Story time. So I’m a big fan of Family Guy, I jack off every night to either Lois or Meg (Stewie on Tuesdays) and I thought it’d be funny to re-create my favorite scene in every episode, the funny death pose! When I did, I laid down in bed and recreated it the best I could, but the pose was so comfortable I fell asleep and when I woke up I had nutted my balls completely dry from how comfortable I was. It became a habit every night. Every moment I tried to sleep, my body would force itself to the Family Guy death pose. Eventually my joints locked up, my mom had to get me out of bed each morning, until eventually I was so fucking heavy from lying around all day that I crushed her and she died. My father was so pissed he threw me out of the house until a crackhead (who reminded me of Herbert the pervert…) took me to his crack den where he gave forcefully started to unlock my joints, but I was so angry he moved me from my comfort that I immediately jumped up and snapped his neck (like Peter Griffin!!) and he fucking died. So I stole all of his stuff and moved to Rhode Island (where Family Guy lives!) where I proceeded to break into a random couple’s home (their house looked like Family Guy) and killed all of them. I now live here to this day, and used their computer to write this confession.