The year is 4786 and the world has become a madhouse unlike anything we ever could have imagined in science-fiction films. It’s a world which, in many aspects, could put to shame the post-apocalyptic thinking of Judge Dredd, Mad Max, Terminator, Fallout, and the Super Mario Bros movie. The world is primarily clean, pollution has been cleared of most major cities, the world has come together united as one people under the watchful eye of one man: Atomic Bodied Dave Mustaine.
Throughout the years he carved the world in the image he desired, turning the world 90% Christian with his compelling and moving Christian Metal albums. He’d managed to turn The United States of Earth into a Republican paradise which would make the most die-hard Reaganite weep openly with joy. Music education was compulsory for all children in school, the national anthem of the world was made “Peace Sells,” the world song for grief was made “A Tout le Monde,” and all criminals across the world would be subjected to “Risk” and “Super Collider” until they had seen the error of their ways and bettered themselves. The world was at peace and in time, the only thing the world had to fear was Youthanasiatic Headcrusher Dave Mustaine himself.
But of course, not everything is sunshine and roses. Thermonuclear Dave Mustaine is a deeply troubled man on the upcoming 2800th anniversary of “Peace Sells… But Who’s Buying?”
In his gigantic 150 story tall cross-shaped tower in Oakland which casts shadows in the morning on San Francisco, as both a message to accept Christ into their lives and a warning of the darkness that can always be brought down on the poor fools, Nuclear Lucretian Abomination Dave Mustaine takes off his vintage antique Human Leather Jacket he made from the skin of Bobby Blitz after he single-handedly won the Great Megakill Feud of 2044. He lays it across the table he made from the bones of James MacDonough after he died in 2029 from a car crash, which some say Dave orchestrated just because his vitriol for James never fully went away.
Despite his atomic, non-stop nuclear fueled heart of bitter curmudgeonly petty bullshit, Irradiated Muskrat Dave “I-will-not play-Devil’s-Island-Anymore” Mustaine is tired. He saunters over to a picturesque window which looks down onto San Francisco and sits upon his famed Polaris Throne– with back and arms built from the right arms of all the guitarists he’s had over the years, and seat and legs built of all his former drummers. He sighs heavily and lowers his head, his right hand running across the arm rest of the chair, feeling Chris Poland’s left hand and thinking about the days gone by.
Deadly Elephant’s Foot Dave “Bad Omen” Mustaine reflects on his life for a bit. He remembers all the fun times of the 80s, disregarding the bad and all problems he knew– a rare thing for a man whose absurd feuding once lead to to the destruction of the entire country of South Africa in 2918, after Andre Pretorius, vocalist of the Neo-Proto Bay-Teutonic Thrash themed band Cockgoblin Factory XKK, made the remark, “That daywalking piece of shit couldn’t write a good new riff to save his septic tank he calls an ass.”
But the point is he fondly remembers the good times. He is nostalgic for a time when life was much simpler, when he didn’t have to think about 2800th anniversaries of things. He’s grown tired of this rat-race he calls a world, even if it is the world he wanted. For a brief time, he is contented. But it doesn’t last. All at once, as he notices something in the corner of his 725 megapixel Megahealth™ Prosthrashix Eyes™ across the bay in San Francisco and he grows furious, slamming his 200lb metallic Davemantium shred-fist against the skull of Chris Poland, crushing it entirely and further enraging him. He stands up and screams, “I STILL CAN’T QUIT…”
What he noticed was a massive sign above a “Peace Sells 2800th Anniversary Concert” sign which read,
“METALLICA PRESENTS S&M 4786: MASTER OF PUPPETS 2800th ANNIVERSARY”